Secrets that kept me sick

In early recovery I heard this saying a lot “secrets keep you sick”.

If you go into any of the 12 step meeting rooms such as AA, they preach this a lot. It is also in a couple of the steps - Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs, and Step 9: Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

I used to dread step 9… like how do I gauge what amends would injure someone… and by injure do you mean like they would off themselves if I told them my secret and said sorry for it? Or injure as it would ruin my marriage? And how far back do you go? Like do I have to find the clerk at the store in Vernon where I grew up and apologize again for stealing that teddy bear when I was 12?

I was in the program for awhile, and with that, I had obtained a sponsor and was working the steps with her, all the while procrastinating so I didn’t have to make it to step 9. And during that active procrastination, I came to a conclusion for myself.

Some of the secrets I keep are not just my own. Some of them would destroy my family. Some of them would bring back a lasting feeling of shame and thinking so much less of myself. Some of them would transport me into the darkest days of my addiction and possibly keep me there, with no self worth and no hope.

Those secrets are mistakes I made and have learned and grown from them. So as long as I wake up every morning sober, with intentions to not hurt others or myself and be true to my morals, I am not the the secrets I keep.